It’s been a tough day The topic of today was supposed to be ”And the initial results on the house are in.”
The questions supposed to be answered are ”Is our home a write-off? / Are they rehoming us? / Are they continuing to drop useless aggregate filled bags in the river? / Are they going to remove and store our possessions? / Are they quitting? / What else are they proposing?
The response from the developer is – wait for it, ,, here’s a pregnant pause. Some pointless punctuation; ”fucking NOTHIN!” It’s a poor grammar kind of day.
- Hand it over.
- Let go – let God.
- Keep the faith.
- Patience is a virtue.
The development company, failing to respond as promised all week fails me again. No updates on the house leaves me with continued anxiety and uncertainty over our future. Will we have a solution, will we even have a house. Will I be in debt to a mortgage for a house uninsurable and unsellable. Will the developer, land owner, council, insurer or all of them screw me over.. Of course I play out the worst situation possible – wouldn’t you. Fail to plan etc.. The mounting stress of the last ten plus days starts to take its toll and as the sheet of thin ice that is my patience melts away and the weight of my problems increases of course the cracks begin to appear.
As I think, there are too many water analogies out there. It’s the opening of the flood gates, the Chinese water torture, skating over thin ice, down the swannie etc…
A few pointless and arguably ludicrous work events coalesce and whip.me into a frenzy . I’m not able to deal with it all in totality. Something cracks, I respond badly, with a bit too much perceived authority I can influence a situation badly. A poor decision is made. Will it matter. Will it even manifest. Will I care. Should I care, I probably should. Conscience. Should I retract. No, my soul can’t take it. I try to do the next right thing. Challenges, blockers. Come on, give a guy a break. I admit falibility. It feels good to admit defeat, to give up a little. To say no, not now, I cannot.
That’s was one of the problems, no break today. No break provided, no break taken. No me time. No outside time. Daylight. Stuck in the Warhole room without a break. Same plan tomorrow unfortunately. My own fault; Do better, Leigh.
Sim and Ellie come home, happy. I’m not capable of turning my frown upside down. Not yet and it shows. Sim knows I need a break and she helps. Down to the pool we go, I leave the room early, to escape. Why after all day alone, isolated is it that the first thing I want to do is get under the water, swim a few lengths holding my breath. Freedive practicing along the bottom of the pool. It’s always brought me great peace, since a small boy on holiday when I discovered I had a talent for it. Deep breaths, inhale, duck-dive down. Piece, swimming, propelled below the water. Free. The carbon dioxide starts to build up, stomach contractions begin, the animal reflex to breath, so I surface and exhale. Like breathing all the poison out. How is it, why is it, why does this bring me such peace and relief from stress? Why are we back to water metaphors and analogies again? Maybe that’s part of it. I love the water, I always have. I respect it, protect it and everything in it. I’m passionate about it. Why turn it’s back on me, change it’s course against me like this. I have to let this go. It’s making me unwell. It’s not the waters fault as it’s not mine. Maybe I do need to practice some of the above. Maybe I need to treat it like a dive. A few deep breaths and swim till I need to come up for air. I know how to do that to prevent myself drowning. Perhaps I already know the answer to my own problems. Breathe, relax, find peace.
Just thinking this way helps to calm me down; imagining the slowing of my heart as I breath-up for a dive. I had till now put this year’s freedivng plans on hold, I think it’s now more than ever important that I plan that time, that escape underwater. That meditation then isolation, falling down the dive line before slowing to a halt and just hovering at the bottom of the line for a moment, and look up. Up towards the light and slowly ascend. Breaking the surface of the water, exhaling, inhaling a few deep breaths and telling a friend I’m okay. It’ll be dive season again in April. Something to look forward to. Time to pick up the dive meditation practice in preparation. Time to practice it, a lot.
Stop, let your mind and body slow down; relax and just breathe……